A priest, a vicar and a rabbi are asked the question "When does life begin?"
The priest says: "The moment of conception".
The vicar replies: "The moment of birth".
The rabbi replies: "The moment the kids are married and the mortgage has been paid off."
A rabbi and a priest get into a car crash. It is a horrible wreck and both cars are totaled.
The rabbi gets out and says the priest "I think God wanted us to meet together and talk"
Priest "It would appear that way"
The rabbi says "just one minuet" and goes to the back of his car. After pulling a bottle of wine miraculously in pristine condition out of his trunk, he hands the bottle to the priest saying "I think God wanted us to come and have a drink together"
After the priest takes a heavy drink he tries to hand the bottle back to the rabbi, but the rabbi says "No, I think I'll just wait in my car for the cops."
The following sign is posted in the front window of a local neighborhood business.
WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS
WITH 1000 TERRORISTS.
THAN WITH ONE JEW.
GOLDBERG'S FUNERAL HOME
Moshe goes to see his Rabbi.
"Rabbi, last week I missed bentching after meals."
"Why," asked the Rabbi.
"Because I forgot to wash my hands before the meal."
"That's twice you've broken the Law but you still haven't told me why."
"The food wasn't kosher."
"You ate non-kosher food?" asked the Rabbi.
"Well, it wasn't a Kosher restaurant."
"That makes it even worse," said the now angry Rabbi.
"Couldn't you have eaten in a Kosher one?"
"What, on Yom Kippur?!?"
A Jew was walking on Regent Street in London and stopped in to a posh gourmet food shoppe. An impressive salesperson in morning coat with tails approached him and politely asked, "Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes," replied the customer, "I would like to buy a pound of lox."
"No. No," responded the dignified salesperson, "You mean smoked salmon."
"Okay, a pound of smoked salmon."
"Anything else?"
"Yes, a dozen blintzes."
"No. No. You mean crepes."
"Okay, a dozen crepes."
"Anything else?"
"Yes. A pound of chopped liver."
" No. No. You mean pate."
"Okay," said the Jewish patron, "A pound of pate. And," he added, "I'd like you to deliver this to my house next Saturday."
"Look," retorted the indignant salesperson, "We don't schlep on Shabbos!"
A Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a box he didn't recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was personal. One day she was out and his curiosity got the best of him. He opened the box, and inside he found three eggs and $2,000. When his wife came home, he admitted that he opened the box, and he asked her to explain the contents to him. She told him that every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the box.He interrupted, "In 20 years, only three bad sermons, that's not bad."
His wife continued, "and every time I got a dozen eggs, I would sell them for $1."
A boy decided that he wanted to become a rabbi when he grew up, so his father suggested that he go to speak to their shul rabbi to find out what the job entailed. "Ask me any question about the rabbinate and I'll give you the answer," declared the rabbi when the boy went to meet him.
"Well, besides giving a sermon for about fifteen minutes on a Shabbat morning, what else do you do all week?" the boy asked. "You don't want to become a rabbi," thundered the rabbi. "With questions like that you want to become the shul president!"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
Three Jewish inventors approach Henry Ford, and tell him that even though he's an anti-Semite, and they're Jews, they've invented a product he'll want: air conditioning for cars. They explain that he'll want to do business with them.
He sure does, and offers to pay them anything they want. "We don't want your money," they respond. "We just want our names to appear on this product in perpetuity." Which it does, to this very day,. If you look on the air conditioners of any Ford automobile, you'll see the names: 'Norm,' 'Hy,' and 'Max.'
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the star of David is empty. A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David." The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?
Rabbi Jason Miller - Favorite Jokes